Letting Go

Friday December 14, 2018.  You never know when the last of something will be.  The last time you see someone.  The last time you talk to someone.  The last time you hurt over someone.  The last time you do something for the last time.

Today is that day for me.  It may not be the last time I see him, but I know it will be the last time I see him alive. I know it will be the last time I drive to his apartment to see if he is still breathing.  It was the last time i will ever look into his eyes.

The calls came this morning from the landlord, “This is Marguerite, there is a man here with the police and they are trying to get a hold of your husband.  They are calling him and knocking on the doors and windows and he is not responding. I wasn’t sure what to do”.  And as before, I say, “I am leaving right now”.

My heart is racing. My hands are shaking.  The fear and anxiety has overcome me.  I am sickened.  I am afraid.  I am scared.  What will I find when I open the door?  Will he be breathing or will this be the time he is gone?

Two weeks ago I sat with him in the hospital as he was going through alcohol and opiate withdrawals. Shaking so badly from DT’s that he couldn’t even hold a cup to take a drink of water.  I had to hold the cup to his mouth so he could drink.  I watched the IV fluids drip into his arm.  I watched the injections of ativan into his line to try and help with the tremors.  I listened to the Physicians assistant as he came in.  I was informed by the man that brought him that is BAC was .32 when he had been at the hospital hours before.  He said it had been 19 hrs since he last had alcohol and i believe him.  I sat there as social services came in and spoke with him about addiction and scored him a 10 out of 10 on the severity of his.  I drove him to the pharmacy to fill his prescription for lithium that would help him get through his withdrawal process.

I believe him.  I believe him that he wants to get better.  I believe him that he wants a better life.  I believe him when he tells me he is doing all the things he is supposed to be doing.  I believe him when he says how proud he is of himself for not drinking and how dangerous he knows it would be to mix alcohol with the lithium he is on. I believe him.. or I want to believe him, but in my heart I always know.  He is an addict.  He deceives. He manipulates.  He creates situations to look a way that they aren’t.  He make you feel wrong for questioning him.

Five years.  It has been five years, 1,825 days. 43,800 hours.  Those numbers astound me.  Today I start at number 1 and on day number one I have to accept that I can’t save this man.  No matter what I do or say.  No matter how much my heart loves him.  On this day, at this moment, I have to let him go.  I have to.  It is destroying me in so many ways.  I have to accept the reality.  That the call will come.  I don’t know when and i don’t know from who, but it will come and they will tell me, “he is gone”.

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