The day before your funeral

It is dificult for me to even write those words.  Your funeral.  It just doesn’t seem real still.  That tomorrow I will see you for the very last time.  i will say good bye to you for the very last time. I can hardly wrap my head around it.  I want this to all be a bad dream.  I want to wake up and I want to see your text on my phone and I want to call you and I want to see you. I want to feel your arms around me, strong and safe, from everything else.  I want you to tell me it will be okay.  That I will be okay.

It is hard for even put my feelings into words.  But I miss you and love you and I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I wan’t able to help you.  I’m sorry that you were alone.  I’m sorry that you had pain so deep that you had to numb it and escape from it.  I’m sorry you felt like you weren’t enough.  Because you were.  You were enough.  I loved you.  I needed you.  I wanted you.  And I still do.

But you left me.  You left me…alone.  To continue in this life withoout you by my side.  And I dont want that.  I want you.  I want you to come back.  But you aren”t coming back.  Tomorrow the finality of that will fall on me.

I will never understand.  Never.  Nothing will ever make me understand.  I need you to help me to do this.  I need you to help me to be strong.  I need you to help me continue your mission, your heart for serving others.  I need you to never leave my heart.

One more day.  One more day.

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