Valentine’s Day

It is a very different day without you here.  It has been almost 9 weeks since you left me.  The days do not seem to be getting easier, only harder.  I miss you every day.  I miss our phone calls, text messages, lunch dates, your eyes, your voice, us.  I am still trying to process everything, but it has been difficult.  There is no understanding to any of this.  You were 44 years old.  You had so much life ahead of you and so many things you still wanted to accomplish.  You weren’t finished yet.  We were not finished yet.

Today, instead of being with you, I went to my counseling appointment.  This was my 5th week in a very long process of trying to heal from the devastating loss of you.  I showed her a picture of the memorial I had made with your ashes.  It’s a beautiful glass ball with your ashes swirled in amongst the color blue.  I always loved you in blue and bought you too many blue shirts and ties to even count, but the blue always made your eyes look so much more beautiful.

I went to the funeral home afterwards and picked up your death certificate.  I have not looked at it.  It is inside a folder they gave to me. In a tub I have your birth certificate from where I cleaned out your apartment.  Now I have your death certificate.  It is still unreal to me that you are gone.  That you will never be back.  That I will never see or talk to you again.  Not here anyway.

You probably would have taken me to Tre Biccheri and there would have been flowers and a card already on the table when we arrived.  We would have enjoyed a nice romantic dinner together.  That’s what we used to do.

I hurt every day without you.  I don’t think you wanted to leave, but you didn’t know how to stay.  You knew, but you weren’t able to.  I haven’t stopped loving you.  I haven’t stopped loving us and I’m sure I never will.  You will always be a part of me.  We were deeply connected.  People use the term soulmates so loosely, but we were.  I believe that. Our souls loved each other.  Our souls were united together.  We were not 2 individuals, but 1 and that is how we shall remain.

As long as my heart continues to beat, you will stay alive.  Sometimes I have felt you, but I wish I could feel you more.  It is lonely here without you.  Everything is different now, but I remember you in every waking moment.  I remember your smile and the way your eyes would light up every time you saw me.  I remember the way you loved me and the way you held me.  I can never say goodbye to you, but one day, one day, I will see you and say, “Hi Baby, I’ve missed you”.

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