I didn’t know

I can’t even put into words how much I miss you.  The pain, the hurt, the lonliness is indescribable.  Why did you leave me?  Why didn’t I know the acuteness of the situation?  Was i asleep while you were dying?  You know I would have done anything.  I would have been there right beside you.  I would have been fighting for you.  I didn’t know.  I didn’t know that night would be your last.  I didn’t know you would sit down and never wake up.  I just didn’t know, but I don’t think you did either.  I tried, but each time I think a small part of me gave up.  I knew I couldn’t do it anymore.  I knew it had to be you.  But you didn’t want it and I don’t know why.  I remember you looking at me and saying, ‘ do you think i want to be this way”?  I know you didn’t, you were so ashamed to even look at me.  I always loved you, even during those times.  The times you were at your deepest and darkest.  Nothing ever changed my love for you.  I think you knew that deep down in your heart, even when you said otherwise.  I hope you did.  I hope you felt it even though I wasn’t beside you that morning.  I hope you felt it all the way to heaven.

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