Saturdays are the hardest for me. It was on a saturday that i could not get a hold of you. It was on a saturday that you weren’t reading my text messages or answering or returning my phone calls. It was a Saturday that my life changed forever.
I had just talked to you the night before. You seemed worked up but not anything crazy out of the ordinary that had me concerned. It was the 2 days prior that had me concerned. But this night you seemed okay. You had been to work and you were cleaning the carpets and floors in your apartment. We said I love you. You said you would be at work the next day and we could meet for lunch if I wanted. Your last text was at 10:32 pm, “I love you”.
I tried to call you on my way to work at 6:30 that morning and you didn’t answer. I tried 2 or 3 more times as I drove. You didn’t answer. I texted you from work. I called again later in the morning and my phone remained silent. I watched the clock. Counting down the minutes until I could leave for lunch and drive to your apartment. Just as I had done so many times before.
It was 1:11 pm when I pulled in front of your apartment. Your front door was opened. I opened your screendoor, the lights were on, the fans were running and I saw you and out loud I heard myself say, “you’re gone”. I ran over to you and I got on my knees and I layed my head on your leg and held your hand and cried. I put my hand on your chest to rub it and yelled your name, but I knew you were gone. I knew you weren’t waking up. I knew nothing was going to bring you back. You had already left and I remember saying no and asking why. Why did you leave me?
I knew I had to call 911, but I couldn’t figure out how to use my phone. I couldn’t get the numbers to come up to dial. I was scared. I called them and when they said 911 what is your emergency I had to say my husband is dead. I went back to you and kneeled beside you holding onto you as the EMT’s came. They put leads on you, but they knew you were gone to. They knew just as I did that your heart had already stopped beating. I had to sign my name for them and my hand was shaking so bad I could barely sign and I remember the lady saying I”m sorry and the police were there and they were asking me questions, “Has he been sick”, “Did he have any health problems”, and they made me leave you, but I didn’t want to . I wanted to stay with you. I wanted everything to stop. I wanted this to not be real. I wanted to make it all go away. But I couldn’t.
I watched them take you away and I didn’t want them to take you. Not like that. Not covered up on a gurney and put into the back of a coroners vehicle. I wanted you back. I wanted you to stay. I wanted everything to be okay. I wanted it all to be a bad dream.
9 weeks ago today. 56 days. It is still unreal to me. I am still waiting for you to come back. I am still waiting to wake up from the bad dream.